A Sunrise Walk

This morning I went to the beach early enough to catch the sun waking from its sleep in the eastern horizon.
A figure was waiting for me there, walking on the sand. It was God.
I called him and he turned to see me.
“Have you been waiting long?” I asked him.
“Oh, no, not really” he replied, smiling, “I always have plenty of time for you. Forever, even”
I didn’t say anything more. I just walked next to him. Above us a pair of seagulls flew pass in a dance, clothed in the crimson magic of the sunrise. Below us the waves stroke at the sand with violent affection. And time seemed to forget to exist.
“It’s been a while since we talked like this,” God suddenly said. Those words caught me by surprise. So it had. I couldn’t tell how long since but it had.
“I’m… sorry,” I tried to think of some lame excuses, “I’ve been… busy. You know, work and all”
God nodded gently, as he usually does when I tell some half-truths to justify myself. Then he suddenly spoke to me while I was still doing this in my mind.
“You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you how I feel”
I fell silent and looked at him.
“Can I tell you the truth?”
I was still silent. He’s God. Who was I to say he couldn’t? Slowly, with a hint of the fear of what he was about tell me, I nodded slowly.
Then, without warning, God chuckled.
“Don’t be so tense,” he told me, “It’s not the end of the world. Yet. Take my word for it”
I couldn’t help but smile at his sense of humor.
But then for a moment or so we both fell silent. I was waiting for him to tell me whatever it was he wanted to tell me. Anxiously. Then God began to speak again.
“The truth is,” he paused as he lifted his gaze towards the blood-red clouds, “I miss you”
I stopped in my tracks. I was stunned. Cautiously I looked at his face. He looked sad. Very sad.
“Why?” I asked. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why God would miss a human being.
God sighed and closed his eyes, as though soaking in the sunrise itself, that very sunrise he crafted himself. When he opened his eyes again he looked at me with a smile. But that sadness was still there on his face.
“I love you,” he said. That was his reason. Just those three words.
“I… I know that”
There I went again with those attempts at self-justification. But I didn’t. I didn’t really know what he meant. I couldn’t have. It was way beyond me.
Then God started walking again. And I followed him along again. The sun was well on his way to the peak of the heavens.
“The truth is…” God paused again, and it disturbed me how the One who sculpted the cosmos seemed to struggle with words in telling me how he felt.
But I know it wasn’t him. It was me who couldn’t understand him.
“The truth is, I’ve been walking along this beach every sunrise, waiting for you. But you never came. Until today”
Startled, I lowered my face in shame. This time excuses escaped me.
God put his arms on my shoulders.
“I love you, and I’ve always wanted to talk with you,” he continued, ”How I’ve missed those times when you would come to me with nothing but yourself. No fancy words, no fancy doctrines. Nothing. Just you and me.”
I was still lost for words. So he spoke on.
“You know,” he said, “you might think there are millions of others like me, but know that for me there is only one you”
I turned quickly to him, surprised.
I wanted to say, ‘Hold on, you got that the wrong way around. There are billions of other humans like me, but there is only one of you’, but before I could say it he placed his finger on my lips.
“You still remember those days, don’t you?” he asked me, but before I could answer him he went on.
“You’re so precious to me. You’ve always been. But these days you’re always so busy with life. Or sometimes think you are. Or pretend you are. I’ve always been there for you. But before I could say a word you always run away, thinking or pretending you’re too busy for me”
I looked at his face. The sadness I’d seen in his face had turned to grief. Deep grief. I knew those words were not just a sermon. They were born in the depths of his heart.
I saw a drop of tear escape the corner of his eye as he gazed to the farthest corner of the ocean. The thought struck me hard. The crafter of the universe shed a teardrop because of me. Because of me.
My heart sank.
But then God spoke again to me. The gentleness of his voice hadn’t disappeared.
“Not long ago you used to come to me only when you need something. But even that was fine. It always brings me joy to do something for you, because I love you,” he said, “but now you don’t even do that anymore”
I looked at his face again and had to look away quickly. The tears streaming down his face broke my heart, my soul, and even my very being.
“Now you seem so bitter with me. But all I’ve done is stand by you and wait for you to speak to me. I have said only sweet words to you, the fruits of my very heart, but your words to me are so cold and painful.
“How I long to say I love you and hear you say the same. How I am dying to be with you and feel that forever has begun. How I wish with my tears that you would write back to the love letters I wrote you. But you never said a word. Not a single word. It pains me to death that I couldn’t speak to the person I love so much”
At those words I fell on my knees right there on the sand. Then I, too, started to cry. I could bear it no longer. Those words wrecked me to core of my soul. How foolish I’d been. How foolish.
I had no words for my regret. It could give itself no words. My tears fell and moistened the dirt below me. That’s how low I was.
But then God bowed down, and with his arms he lifted me up. His eyes were red and swollen from the tears he’d shed. But there on his lips was a sad smile.
As we began walking again he caressed my hair.
“Why didn’t you make this clear before?” I struggled to ask him, still sobbing.
“I love you, but I’d never push you to love me. I wanted terribly for you to love me for yourself, and this morning you’ve shown me that you do”
I didn’t dare look at God, but I asked him, “How?”
“Well,” he answered with a smile, “you’re here, aren’t you?”
I was startled again. As I peered deep into God’s eyes, God looked up at the morning sky, now bright and fair, as though shy.
In those eyes I saw something like nothing I’d ever seen before or after that moment. Something that seemed to call me, and even when I had found it, it would still beckon me to search for it. Love. Eternity.
Then God laughed.
“You always ask questions, don’t you?” he said with a broad grin, “But enough questions for today. The sun is high. You have a busy day ahead of you, right?”
I nodded, and then asked him a question.
“What are you going to do?”
God looked back deep into my eyes and he smiled sweetly.
“I will be with you, watching you,” as sweetly he replied, ”but I will also be walking these shores still. And tomorrow morning at sunrise, whether you will be here or not, I will still be here waiting for you”
At that moment a large wave crashed onto the beach and shattered into froths.